Friday, April 23, 1999

Stand Up For Viagra

What a surprise! Men are going crazy for Viagra, the impotence pill. It either is or soon will be the most prescribed medication in America. Who knew we were such an impotent nation?

Hold on a second. We're not talking about a pill that helps you do better arithmetic, or a pill that fights your chronic toe jam problem, or a pill that spell-checks your documents while it whitens your teeth. We're talking about a pill that helps make a guy's manhood be more manly. Forget about how it works. It doesn't matter. What matters is that every American guy thinks there's a stud bonus waiting inside that 50mg dose.

Keep in mind that until now, the cure for this problem involved the word "injection." Hey, Doc, that's a needle-free zone you're talking about! Now, Pfizer comes out with a pill that -- for what, eight bucks? -- makes every guy think he can break that nine-hour sex record that Sting claims he accomplished through yoga. Of course it's a bestseller!

Don't think that some of those pills aren't finding their way into the hands of women who are hoping it'll add a little more fun to their life, too: "Yeah, honey, I know you want to watch Michael Jordan take it to the hole, but let me make you a very special martini and we'll see who has the home court advantage tonight!"

There was even a website run by a doctor in Milwaukee that was offering a Viagra prescription on the net for $50, and no need to drop trou. Just a couple of clicks and your disk isn't so floppy anymore. The site was so popular that he couldn't keep up with demand. He got clamped down by some medical authority or another, and now all you get when you go to -- I'm not kidding about this address -- www.penispill.com, is the message, "We are sorry, but Vascular Center for Men is no longer able to offer Viagra to patients unless you visit our Milwaukee clinic in person." I wonder if you still have to turn your head and cough.

Naturally, Viagra has made the price of Pfizer's stock stand up straight, too. Because after a long day at the brokerage, every Gordon Gekko wannabe knows that greed is good, but sex is better, and you don't want to be caught among the shorts when every other guy is going long.

Sunday, April 18, 1999

He's The Un-Viagra

The world is a little safer today, and guys everywhere can uncross their legs with a sigh of relief. Edward Bodkin is in jail.

Bodkin is a man from Huntington County, Indiana, who has been practicing medicine without a license. His particular medical specialty was castration.

Call him the Un-Viagra.

I’m not talking about, “Honey, we have enough kids now, so I’m gonna get my tubes tied.” I’m talking about actually removing your external genitalia and tossing them away like that sackful of turkey guts you throw out before roasting the holiday bird.

Only he didn’t throw them away.

When they searched his apartment, the cops found nine jars of preserved testicles. Don’t ask me how he preserved them. I preserve mine by not letting anything sharp near them. Ever. I can only pray that he wasn’t saving them for some sort of weird canning process. Rocky mountain jelly, anyone?

They also found videotapes of at least three castrations he performed. If you think it was tough to watch the Kevorkian video on “60 Minutes,” wait till they get their hands on this! I can hear Andy Rooney now: “Didja ever notice how much more room you need in your briefs?” That's gravity and age talking, Andy.

Bodkin claims that he was only helping the men on whom he operated, that he did it with “caring, humanistic ideals toward my fellow man.” Strangely, there were no complaints from any of his patients, all of whom were adult men. That means that these guys went to him voluntarily and asked him to do the snipping.

Voluntarily!!

What has to be going on in your life that makes you think things would be so much better if you just didn’t have balls? Even RuPaul runs from the room when they’re looking for these kind of volunteers.

In a related story from Egypt, a hospital janitor and two pals have been arrested for illegally performing circumcisions. They were discovered when one of their young patients began bleeding severely and had to be taken to the hospital.

Now, is circumcision against the law in Egypt, so you have to sneak around and find someone to do it on the sly? No.

Was there a shortage of personnel to handle the slicing from a religious angle during a baby boy birthing boom? No.

Do doctors and hospitals perform the procedure on a regular basis, relatively inexpensively? Yes.

So then, why would you ever trust that part of your son’s body -- or any part, but that one in particular -- to a guy whose most sophisticated work equipment is that bucket that helps squeeze the water out of the mop?

Come to think of it, that’s a piece of equipment Edward Bodkin could have used.