Thursday, October 21, 1999

A Menstrual Cycle Built For Two

There's a story going around today about Kate Winslet. She's the actress who co-starred with Leo DiCaprio in "Titanic."

She's now working on a new movie about the Marquis de Sade, entitled "Quill". I know, guys, it sounds like another costume epic we'll have no interest in. Let's see just how much "de Sade" they put in there. Anyway......

The story about Kate is that she claims that her hormones are so strong that she messes up the menstrual cycle of every woman she works with. This occurred to her when all the women working on the movie started their cycles on the same day she did, even if that's not when their periods would normally have fallen.

I had never heard of this before, so I asked several women if this could be true. They all said yes, they had heard of the phenomenon. Several who had been in sororities in college said they had seen it happen personally. A few even claimed that it had happened to them at work! Apparently, the dominant one socially becomes kind of a leader in this department, too.

I then asked a bunch of men if they had ever heard of this, and there was a nearly unanimous answer: No -- you must be kidding.

You see, we have nothing like this in the guy world. The closest thing we come to all getting on a regular schedule is at about noon on Sunday when we all cheer for The Rams!

What also amazes us is that women would actually share this information with one another. I don't ever recall having a single conversation with another guy about any bodily functions. Oh, sure, I'll ask a guy how his knee is holding up after arthroscopic surgery, but frankly I have no interest in hearing any stories about any of his bodily fluids.

Women, apparently, share no such compunction. They're talking about it on campus, at lunch, in the carpool, and at the office.

One woman told me she and another woman ended up on the same cycle after just a few weeks of working in adjacent cubicles! And you wonder why men have so much trouble figuring women out? You have the power to transmit your hormones through cubicle walls!! We can't even figure out what that flashing "add toner" light on the copier means.

One place this topic won't come up is the Oval Office. At least not anytime soon, because the only woman running for President, Elizabeth Dole, officially dropped out of the race yesterday.

Not that she had any chance of winning, anyway. Her campaign had only raised about $660,000 in the last three months, while George Dubya had raked in over $30,000,000. That's a problem in a modern campaign: If you don't have enough cash, you won't have a victory bash.

Of course, Liddy should have known that she had no shot earlier this year, when it was discovered that Bob Dole had given $1,000 to John McCain's campaign. Her own husband was supporting the competition!

I can just hear her when she found out: "Hello, Bob? I know that you're thrilled to be getting erections again, but if you ever pull another stunt like that, then pulling your stunt is all you're going to be able to do around here! By the way, Viagra-Boy, run down to the store and get me a box of tampons. While you're there, most of my staff needs some today, too! And get Kate Winslet on the phone. We're going to harnass this cyclical power of ours and develop a band of women so in sync with each other that we'll rule the world -- period!"

Someday soon we will have a viable female candidate for the presidency. I just hope that election day that year doesn't fall at the same time that all of her supporters are having a grumpy, moody week -- if you know what I mean.