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Monday, July 30, 2001

12 Things I Learned From The New "Planet Of The Apes"

  • Although apes in the future will be able to speak English perfectly, they really aren’t themselves unless they’re grunting and squealing like a bunch of people in primate costumes.
  • In every large group of apes, the lead female will be the only one with an English accent.
  • Some female apes enjoy wearing lipstick, mascara, and eye liner.
  • Some male apes enjoy wearing Russell Crowe’s battlefield costumes from “Gladiator.”
  • In every group of dirty, stinking humans on the run, there will be one clean yet pouty supermodel with a low-cut loin cloth.
  • Marky Mark is unable to grow whiskers, which explains why, even though more than two days pass in the course of the plot, he can’t even work up a mild five o’clock shadow.
  • Some apes have seen “Mission Impossible 2" and like to mimic (ape, if you will) the leaping-off-motorcycles jump-bump-in-the-air stunt in the middle of a fight.
  • The sexiest female apes dress in designer fashions, presumably created by Donna Orang-Karan.
  • Tim Burton is incapable of filming a brightly lit scene.
  • Estella Warren in a speaking part is no match for Linda Harrison as a mute.
  • Them monkeys can fly!
  • If I could travel in time like Marky Mark, I’d go back two hours and get my $7.50 back.