Thursday, January 01, 2004

Life's Most Important Questions

We don't have the answers, but we sure do have the questions!

After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
Aren't all generalizations false?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Can I get arrested for running into a Fire House yelling "Movie! Movie"?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Can you grow birds by planting birdseed?
Did Adam and Eve have navels?
Do one legged ducks swim in circles?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Does anybody ever vanish with a trace?
Does the Postmaster General need a stamp of approval?
How can there be self-help groups?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
How do you know when yogurt goes bad?
How do you know when you're out of invisible ink?
If inert is to be stationary, what is ert?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe him?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If a dog sweats through his tongue, why does he have armpits?
If a jogger runs a the speed of sound can he still hear his walkman?
If a mute child swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a synchronized swimmer drowns, does her partner also have to drown?
If a tree falls in the woods, and lands on a mime, does anyone care?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If a woman can be a meter maid, can a man be a meter butler?
If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
If God sneezes...what should you say?
If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
If soap is used to make you clean, why does it leave a scum?
If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill herself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If the folks at the psychic hotlines were really psychic, wouldn't they call you first?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?
If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?
If you bear a child, why do you have a cow?
If you can read the marking, isn't that end already up?
If you dive into a pool of dry ice, can you swim without getting wet?
If you have a friend who works for the Psychic Friends Network, should you plan a surprise birthday party for them?
If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?
If you put freeze-dried coffee in the microwave, will you go back in time?
If you spend your day doing nothing, how do you know when you're done?
If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?
If you take a shower, where do you put it?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia can you read correctly?
If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Isn't hot water already hot?
Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Shouldn't it be some things in moderation?
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for monosyllabic?
Since cats always land on their feet and jelly bread always lands jelly-side down, what happens if you tie jelly bread to the back of a cat?
There are 24 hours in a day, and 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
What did we do before the Law of Gravity was passed?
What do sheep count when they can't sleep?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
What happened to the first 6 ups?
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What is another word for thesaurus?
What is the speed of dark?
What part of the monkey do you use a monkey wrench on?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
What's another word for synonym?
When people lose weight, where does it go?
When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?
When you're sending someone styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Where are Preparations A through G?
Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
Who tows the tow trucks when they break down?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why are the cabs from the Yellow Cab Company painted orange?
Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?
Why are there never any artist's materials in a drawing room?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why didn't Luke Skywalker tell Darth Vader to turn to the light side of the Force?
Why do airlines call flights nonstop? Won't they all stop eventually?
Why do bars advertise live bands?
What does a dead band sound like?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
Why do people who only eat natural foods drink decaffeinated coffee?
Why do they sell a pound cake that only weighs 12 ounces?
Why do we drive on parkways but park on driveways?
Why do we have hot water heaters?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why does bottled water have an expiration date?
Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why doesn't superglue stick to its container?
Why don't sheep shrink in the rain?
Why don't you ever hear about gruntled employees?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why is a women's prison called a penal colony?
Why is it called a TV set when you only get one?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell mnemonic?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
Why is the word abbreviate so long?
Why is there an eject button on the VCR remote? Don't you have to get up to get to the tape?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
Could someone ever get addicted to counseling? If so, how could you treat them?
Did the early settlers ever go on a camping trip?
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as 4's?
How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking empty?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
How many people thought of the Post-It note before it was invented but just didn't have anything to jot it down on?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
If a bus station is where a bus stops, and a train station is where a train stops, why do I have a work station on my desk?
If a case of the clap spreads, is it then considered a case of the applause?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why does he keep doing it?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why's it still #2?
If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone, is it charged with battery?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?
If women ran the Pentagon, would missiles and submarines be shaped differently?
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
If you have an open mind why don't your brains fall out?
If you play a blank tape at full volume and have a mime for a neighbor, will he complain?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Is there a Dr. Salt?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
What does it mean if you break a mirror with a rabbits foot?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
When vultures are on their deathbed, are they ever tempted to eat themselves?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Why aren't there bullet-proof pants?
Why do they call it disposable douche? Is there a kind of douche you keep after using?
Why do we wash bath towels?
Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why is it when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open it's not adoor?
Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?