Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Hundred Acre Woods: The Real Story

Following the deaths of John Fiedler and Paul Winchell, who provided the voices of Piglet and Tigger in the Winnie The Pooh series, KMOX newsman Brett Blume wrote "Hundred Acre Woods: The Real Story"...

Word on the street has it that Eeyore and Roo are next on the hit list.  Seems all the victims -- past, present and future -- at one time or another slighted their co-star, Christopher Robin.

Unfortunately for them, he grew from that wide-eyed innocent bounding through the Hundred Acre Wood into a cold-hearted killer-for-hire and mob hit man with a hair-trigger temper (and twitchy trigger finger, to boot).

But guns aren't the only weapon-of-choice for Christopher "C-Killa" Robin.

Police haven't commented officially, but it's a poorly-kept secret that Tigger was garroted, gangland-style.

For Piglet, it was a Columbian necktie, after he witnessed the Tigger hit and was threatening to squeal.

Then there are the other oddities in Pooh's old neighborhood.  Seems nobody's seen Owl since 1983, shortly after he told a reporter that Christopher Robin was the worst child actor since "that kid from Courtship of Eddie's Father".  Rumors have it that Owl no longer gives a hoot because he's buried under a ton of concrete in the end zone of Hundred Acre Wood stadium.

Then there's the attempted hit on little Roo. He was bouncing home from school when he heard two sharp cracks and felt the whiz of bullets zinging over his head and slamming into the trunk of a tree right next to him.  But little Roo had a secret -- he knew about the mysterious deaths before him and he was packin'.  He reached into his pouch, pulled out a Glock loaded with hollow points, and fired off a couple of wild shots in self defense.  One clipped a tree branch, which fell on top of his would-be assassin, giving Roo time to escape.

So now it's on in the Hundred Acre Wood, which barely resembles the bucolic setting of yore.  It's more like a war zone these days.

Rabbit's mined his carrot patch.  Eeyore pulled off his tail and used the nail to permanently seal off his front door.  Gopher's gone underground for good, refusing to emerge until C-Killa's behind bars or cooling off on a slab somewhere.  Kanga's posted armed guards outside her hutch and now sends Roo to school in a bullet-proof Escalade driven by an ex-Navy Seal.

But perhaps most surprising of all are rumors of who C-Killa's actually working for -- the Big Pooh himself.  Seems the pudgy little guy gave up the "hunny" and now likes "the honeys".  Word is he lost big at the track trying to make some quick cash to support his lady bear friends.  So he organized a gang to knock off the Hundred Acre bank, but somebody tripped an alarm and Pooh was captured at the scene.  Serving 10 to 20, Pooh hit the weights and transformed himself into a fearsome physical specimen.  He emerged with a new image and new nickname, "the Pooh-father".  Now he's on a mission to clean up his old hood, the HAW, by taking out any and all competition by whatever means necessary.  C-Killa, it seems, is just a puppet with the Pooh-father pulling the strings.  Fear reigns where once there was only sunshine and joy.

So stay out of the HAW, especially at night, unless you want to find yourself "sleeping with the Owl"!

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Copyright 2005, Brett A. Blume.
Reprinted on HarrisOnline.com with permission of the author.