Where Am I?

Thanks for the e-mails wondering why I haven't been on the air or this site for several days. I've been knocked out by some sort of virus since Thursday night, but I won't bore you with the medical details. Suffice it to say that I'm on a combination of pills, liquid narcotics, steroids, and inhalers, but the beast won't die.

I was hoping to get back to the show today, but my voice still isn't strong enough, and I haven't had the energy to sit in front of my computer to blog and reply to e-mails, either. Not likely tomorrow, probably Thursday. In the meantime, I'm working on my Bucket List.

Thanks for the concern.

Craig Ferguson's Citizenship Test

On his way to becoming a US citizen, "Late Late Show" host Craig Ferguson takes his official US citizenship test. As you watch, notice how often Ferguson has to hold back and keep himself from making a joke or comment...

The Election According to David Bowie

Wanna Get Away?

Listener Mark St. Aubin e-mailed the following story, and suggests it would be perfect for one of those "wanna get away" commercials for Southwest Airlines...

When Marie Lupe Cooley, 41, of Jacksonville, Fla., saw a help-wanted ad in the newspaper for a position that looked suspiciously like her current job — and with her boss's phone number listed — she assumed she was about to be fired. So, police say, she went to the architectural office where she works late Sunday night and erased 7 years' worth of drawings and blueprints, estimated to be worth $2.5 million.

"She decided to mess up everything for everybody," Jacksonville Sheriff's Office spokesman Ken Jefferson told reporters. "She just sabotaged the entire business, thinking she was going to get axed."

It didn't take Steven Hutchins, owner of the architectural firm that bears his name, much time to figure out who'd done it — Cooley was the only other person who had full access to the files. Hutchins told one TV station he'd managed to recover all the files using an expensive data-recovery service.

As for the job, Cooley originally wasn't in danger of losing it. The ad was for Hutchins' wife's company. The firm told FoxNews.com that Cooley no longer is employed there.

Rube Goldberg Lives

You may view this as the work of someone with way too much time on his hands. I look at it as a beautiful piece of kinetic art whose creator should get offers from museums and galleries so he can do more [thanks to Jeff Olsen for the contribution]...

Moment Of Truth

I said I'd give this new Fox reality show, "Moment Of Truth," a chance. And I did. And I'm done with it.

I'm sick of the phony suspense, the audience that oohs and aahs over every question, the fake pauses the contestants take before answering, and the recorded "that answer was.....true" lady. It's boring, not even remotely scandalous, and worst of all, bad TV.

The contestants can't be shocked by the questions, because they've heard them before -- they were asked several dozen questions when they took the lie detector test. The only surprise is in which of those questions they'll be asked again on camera, so if there's something horribly revealing, they can always stop and back out.

If the first guy in the chair is any example of the kind of victim they hope to showcase, with his high-maintenance trophy wife and his too-easily shocked buddy observing and reacting, the producers wanted to get to something meaty right away. But I had no empathy for him, and the crowd wasn't really interested, either. All they did was act the way primetime game show audiences are now trained to act -- by overreacting to every little thing.

Yawn.

It'll get good ratings because "American Idol" is the lead-in, but that doesn't detract from the real truth of "Moment Of Truth." To paraphrase a little voice I heard tonight, "That show................sucked."

Worth A Link

• Mark Cuban is right when he says "the album is dead," and has a visionary idea for how the music industry can sell more songs to the public
• Dick Cavett on some of the presidential candidates
• Al Gore backs gay marriage in a video for his network, Current TV
• Maureen Dowd has had it with the Clintons

Rep. Jim Guest vs. Real ID

Today on KMOX, I spoke with state representative Jim Guest, who proposed a bill prohibiting Missouri from complying with the Real ID act, which creates a national identification card.

Guest is trying to get his fellow legislators in Missouri and other states to fight back against DHS. He's also concerned about the security of the federal database that would be created, as well as questions about privacy, identity theft, and personal security. Since the Department of Homeland Security will require you to have the Real ID when you get on a plane or enter any federal building beginning in May, you may have to use your passport a lot more -- even for domestic flights!

Listen.

I spoke about Real ID with Mark Rotenberg of the Electronic Privacy Information Center two weeks ago -- listen here -- and wrote about the concept of a national driver's license two years ago in this column.

Jim Guest has set up a site called Legislators Against Real ID.

Blunt's Mission Accomplished

Something about Matt Blunt's reason for not running for a second term as Governor of Missouri seemed awfully familiar, although it didn't work out for the last guy who used those words...

Human Space Invaders

The guy responsible for this also did human versions of Tetris, Pole Position, and Pong [thanks to Josh Rainwater for the contribution].

Two Da Loo

Nothing says love like spending some quality time with that special person in your life -- on the toilet...

The official description: "The TwoDaLoo is billed as the world's first toilet two people can use ... at the exact same time. It brings couples closer together and conserves our water supply all with one flush. The TwoDaLoo features two side-by-side toilet seats with a modest privacy wall in between. An upgraded version includes a seven inch LCD television and iPod docking station.

Jon Macks

Today on KMOX, I joked with TV comedy writer Jon Macks about the Tom Cruise Scientology video, an inspirational message from Lou Ferrigno, why the Republican candidates remind him of "The Flintstones," and Hillary Clinton's appearance on Tyra Banks (if you'll pardon the expression).

We also talked about how Jon's doing after 10 weeks of the writers strike, and whether he thinks the directors' deal will help or hurt the WGA's cause.

Listen.

Ken Levine

Today on my KMOX show, I talked with writer/producer/director Ken Levine, whose work you may know from some obscure TV shows -- "Cheers," "The Simpsons," "Wings," "Becker," "Everybody Loves Raymond," "Dharma and Greg," and more.

We talked about his years on "M*A*S*H," where he and partner David Isaacs wrote such classics as the episode told entirely from a wounded soldier's perspective, Radar's finale, and others. Levine explained why, after leaving the show after four years, they returned to work on "After-M*A*S*H," which wasn't quite the smash sequel everyone expected.

However, Levine was involved with another spinoff that was pretty successful, a farce called "Frasier," where he got to write for a terrific cast of humans -- and a dog named Eddie. He took a few summers off from the sitcom world to become a major league baseball broadcaster, which he recounted in his memoir, "It's Gone! No, Wait A Minute" (yes, I had him explain the title).

Of the last couple of months, Ken has been walking the Writers Guild picket line, so he provided an update on new developments on that story, including the impact of the Directors Guild making a deal with the studios yesterday.

Listen, then read Ken's blog.

Wacky Website

Mark Evanier mentioned a site he enjoyed on his blog, and I liked it so much I've made it the Picture Of The Day this morning. There's nothing for me to post about it here -- you'll just have to see it for yourself. [note: turn your speakers down a little]

The Baby Primary

This afternoon on KMOX, I spoke with Boston Herald columnist Darren Garnick about his efforts to get his baby daughter, Dahlia, photographed with every one of the people running for President of the United States (with the exception of too-creepy Mike Gravel).

I asked him which of the candidates handled the baby best, whether he handed her over with a wet diaper at any point, and whether she had to compete with any other babies on the campaign trail.

Listen, then view the slideshow of Dahlia and the candidates, and read Darren's blog for more.

Ken Jennings Returns

I'll take Mormons Not Named Mitt for $300, Alex.

"Jeopardy" champion Ken Jennings was back on my KMOX show this afternoon to talk about his newly-published Trivia Almanac.

We talked about the "Jeopardy" history Ken and my mother have in common, his appearances on "1 vs. 100" and "Grand Slam," and what happened to the game show he was going to do for Comedy Central. We also did a bunch of trivia out of his book with some of my listeners.

Listen, then buy the book, then read Ken's blog.

Cell Phone Driving Ban

Missouri State Sen. Tom Dempsey wants to ban using cell phones while driving unless you're using a hands-free device. I'll write more about this later, but wanted to post the topic and conversation so you can add comments below.

Listen.

Party Dude

While his parents were out of town, a 16-year-old Australian threw a party at home, which he advertised online and via text message. When over 500 people showed up, with the alcohol flowing freely despite many of them being underage, it quickly got out of control.

The house, and neighbors' houses and gardens, were vandalized to the tune of $18,000 worth of damage. When cops showed up to shut it down, the partygoers attacked them with rocks and bottles -- the cops had to retreat and call for reinforcements. It finally took over 30 officers to put a stop to the mayhem.

His parents were horrified, but the kid doesn't care. Here he is on the Aussie version of "A Current Affair," doing his best Jeff Spicoli imitation, and advising other teens who have the opportunity to throw a house party to "get me to do it for you." Note the "famous" sunglasses.

Kathleen Madigan & The Blowfish

Comedian Kathleen Madigan returned to my KMOX show this afternoon to promote her appearance at this Sunday's fundraiser for Tony LaRussa's Animal Rescue Foundation (along with Ricky Skaggs, Bruce Hornsby, Darius "Hootie" Rucker, and others).

We also talked about the new Comedy Central show she'll be part of, "Lewis Black's Root Of All Evil," which debuts in March. In it, comedians debate which of two parties is more evil -- in Kathleen's case, it's North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il vs. MTV reality show star Tila Tequila. That led to a very funny Kathleen rant about Oprah Winfrey acquiring her TV network yesterday.

Listen.

Talent for Romney

After Mitt Romney's victory in the Michigan primary, I invited former Sen. Jim Talent (now serving as Romney's Domestic Policy Task Force Chairman) to come on my KMOX show this afternoon to talk about the campaign.

Since Romney, like most of the candidates, keeps saying "Washington's broken, and we're going to fix it," I asked Talent (who spent over a decade in Congress) what that means, and whether a President can effect that kind of change. Then we discussed Romney's promises to the people of Michigan (and, by extension, Missouri) who were employed in the auto industry and now find themselves out of work, and what he'd do about it as President -- including a bail out for the car companies.

Talent brought up the mandatory health insurance plan that Romney signed into law as Governor of Massachusetts, so I asked him whether Romney would push for similar federal legislation, providing subsidies for Americans who can't afford the premiums.

Finally, I pushed Talent on which Cabinet position he wants if Romney makes it to the Oval Office -- and was surprised at his answer.

Listen.

No, Really, Thank You

Today in my KMOX mailbox, I received an envelope with a thank-you note inside. It was from Victoria, a 13-year-old girl whose mother won a pair of Hannah Montana tickets from me a few days ago. The note was a folded piece of paper with the words "thank you so much" written on the outside and again on the inside, along with Victoria's name, all in her own handwriting.

Very nice.

As soon as I saw it, I knew that her mother, Lori, had told Victoria to send it to me. If she's anything like my wife, Lori is very good about the whole thank-you note thing. If her husband is anything like me, it would never have occurred to him in the first place.

Like most men, I just don't think that way. It doesn't matter how many times my wife tells me what the proper etiquette is for thanking someone for a gift, I'll never remember because it's not in my genes. Oh, I'll thank you next time we talk on the phone, or I'll drop you a quick e-mail (thus horrifying my wife), and I do appreciate whatever you got or did for me, but it's unlikely I'll express it in writing and put it in the mail to you.

The entire greeting card industry is kept afloat by women like my wife and our daughter. They love cards of all kinds. When they get one, they'll keep it on the kitchen table, or the counter, or tape it to the wall, or under a refrigerator magnet -- anywhere it can remind them of the event (or relationship or whatever) for a couple of weeks. I, on the other hand, am pretty much done with the card as soon as I've read it. To appease my wife (and daughter), I do have a pile of cards they've given me through the years, but for everyone else, I appreciated the sentiment and then tossed the card away. Thank-you notes and greeting cards are temporary fixtures in men's lives, but important memorabilia for women.

My wife keeps a stash of thank-you cards, get-well cards, birthday cards, anniversary cards, and condolence cards, ready to be sent at a moment's notice. She even has some I-know-we-just-talked-on-the-phone-for-the-third-time-today-but-I-saw-this-and-thought-of-you cards, which she'll send to her close friends for no reason at all.

With her stash, I'll ask, "Hey, my brother's birthday is next week. Do you have a card we can send him?" And she always does, which saves me a trip to the Hallmark store. The only time you'll see me in that retail outlet is when my wife's birthday or our anniversary is coming up, because it would just be wrong for me to ask her to give me a card to fill out to give right back to her. She expects at least some effort, and I'm there for her. If you're not my wife, and you got a card from me, you can be sure she vetted it first.

Young girls add another element to the world of greeting cards -- personal creativity. Like Victoria's thank-you note, many of them are hand-made. Where a boy would grudgingly sign a card his mother supplied, a girl wants to make it her own. That means there must be more than just words -- art must be added, on the inside, on the outside, on the envelope, etc. If you've ever received a birthday card from your daughter with a hand-drawn duck on it for no particular reason, you know what I mean.

All that effort may be alien to me, but it sure puts a smile on my face. Thank you, Victoria, for your thank-you card.

Now I'll wait for my wife to give me an "I can't believe you thanked her in your blog instead of in a more personal way" card. I'm sure she's been saving one for just this occasion.

Tire Off, Tire On

At a dirt track race in Bakersfield, California, one car fish-tails into another and loses its right rear tire -- but only for a few seconds, before the tire rolls right back onto the rim! [thanks to Wally McDuffey for the contribution]

American Idol Returns

Dave Dellaterza of VoteForTheWorst.com returned to my KMOX show this afternoon to talk about the 7th season of "American Idol," which debuts tonight.

He and his colleagues have inside information about some of the singers who are likely to make it into the top 50 because, Dave claims, the producers have gone out of their way to help people who have had a shot at stardom in the past.

Listen, then read "The Truth About The Contestants Of American Idol 7."

Madeleine Albright

Former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright was on my KMOX show today to talk about her book, "Memo To The President Elect."

I asked her why she appeared behind Hillary Clinton after the Iowa caucuses, but was nowhere to be seen on the night of the New Hampshire primary, and had her explain her role in the Clinton candidacy.

We also discussed what the end game should be in Iraq, what she thinks the US can do about Iran, and how dangerous the situation in Pakistan is.

I also asked Albright why the US continues to suck up to the Saudis, just because of the black goo under their sand. The latest example was President Bush announcing today that he'll allow the sale of $20 billion worth of weapons to Saudi Arabia -- with no strings attached regarding their continuing history of allowing Wahabbist madrassahs to preach hatred of the United States, or their terrible record on human rights regarding women.

Listen.

Steroid Testing Student Athletes

The Illinois High School Association approved a program yesterday that will begin random steroid testing of student athletes this fall -- but only for those involved in post-season games. So, if you're on steroids, but your team doesn't make it past the regular season, they'll never find out what you're doing. Or you can use them during the regular season, then stop when you make the playoffs. Oooh, good plan.

State senator Matt Bartle had proposed legislation that would require all school districts to come up with testing programs for performance-enhancing drugs, but he changed that this afternoon to match Illinois' rule regarding post-season play.

Today on KMOX, I talked with Bryan Burwell of the Post-Dispatch about whether these programs are worth it. At $200 per test, if you check 200 kids, that's $40,000, about one teacher's salary. Which is more important?

I also question the role of parents in the use of steroids by their kids. Someone's paying for these expensive drugs, and it's not some high school football player with a parttime job at Hardee's. It's mom or dad opening the checkbook to help their son or daughter get bulked up. Besides, there's no effective test for human growth hormone, which is the new choice in performance-enhancers. The cheaters will always find a way to cheat.

But how many student athletes are using steroids? According to a study of 15,000 kids by the University of Michigan, only about 2% of high-schoolers say they've used steroids. So we're talking about a very small problem and an ineffective way of dealing with it.

Listen.

Gizmodo's CES Prank

The guys from Gizmodo went to CES and pulled off a small prank. With a TV-B-Gone clicker in hand -- which can act like a universal remote for any TV monitor with an infrared sensor -- they went through several displays and demonstrations and turned off the TVs. This sent the high-tech exhibitors into a panic, checking wires and connections, without realizing that all they had to do was hit the power button on the TVs to turn them back on. [thanks to Joe Ziadi for the contribution]

McCaskill Endorses Obama

Today on KMOX, I talked with Sen. Claire McCaskill, who announced yesterday that she's endorsing Sen. Barack Obama for President.

I asked her why, after not endorsing anyone to this point, she decided to throw her support to Obama, and whether choosing him over Sen. Hillary Clinton will hurt her with women in Missouri who have supported her. Since both McCaskill and Obama are first-term Senators, I asked her if that's enough experience to become President.

We also talked about the recent controversial remarks by Bill Clinton about the Obama "fairy tale" and Hillary's comments about Martin Luther King and LBJ, whether endorsements like this really influence voters, and whether America is ready to elect a black President.

When I asked McCaskill who she considers the most formidable Republican in the race, she surprised me with her answer about John McCain -- I'm sure the hierarchy of the Democratic party was shocked, too -- when she said that, while she hopes a Democrat wins, it's not the end of the world if a Republican like him becomes President. She calls McCain "a maverick...my kind of guy."

Listen.

Aaron Barnhart on TV

Today on KMOX, I talked with TV critic Aaron Barnhart about the debut of "The Sarah Conner Chronicles," what to expect on the new season of "American Idol" (which debuts Tuesday night), what Bill Maher's problem is with the writers strike, and how lame last night's Golden Globes coverage was.

Listen.

Meth Mom

We've spent some time on my KMOX show talking about Mackenzie Gruenewald, the south county woman who delivered a stillborn baby in 2006 because of her methamphetamine addiction.

The prosecutor has charged her with involuntary manslaughter in a case similar to Sherri Lohnstein, the woman who drank during pregnancy and also had a stillborn baby. Lohnstein pleaded guilty and, instead of being sentenced to seven years in prison, was given four months of rehab through the Missouri Department of Corrections, after which she'll probably be put on probation.

My listeners are split on whether Gruenewald should go to rehab or to jail, but there was a new development in the story this weekend. Gruenewald, while awaiting her trial in St. Louis County jail, has allegedly tested positive again -- for both meth and a baby. Yes, she's pregnant and still on the junk.

All of this made me think of Barbara Harris (no relation), the woman behind Project Prevention, which pays drug addicts and drunks to get long-term or permanent birth control. Today, I invited Barbara back to my KMOX show to explain how her program works, how she has paid $300 to some 2,400 women so far, and why women like Gruenewald should know about Project Prevention.

Listen.

Politico Campaign Update

Josh Kraushaar of Politico.com was back on my KMOX show this afternoon to talk about the race between McCain and Romney in tomorrow's Michigan primary, whatever happened to Huckabee, and whether Giuliani's wait-till-Florida strategy has ruined his chances to catch up.

We also talked about why the Democratic side is a non-issue in Michigan, where the only ballot choices are Clinton, Dodd, or Uncommitted. What I don't understand is why anyone would show up to vote for Uncommitted. It's like those people who vote for I Don't Know in online polls -- why did you bother?

Listen.

Face The Face

On "Face The Nation" yesterday, to analyze why the polls and pundits got New Hampshire wrong, Bob Schieffer interviewed a prominent member of the media -- Bob Schieffer...

Jon Macks

Jon Macks is still on strike from "The Tonight Show" with Jay Leno, but that isn't stopping him from writing material for his weekly appearance on my KMOX show. Today, after an update on the strike, Jon joked about celebrating his birthday on the picket line a couple of days ago, Dr. Phil's Britney Spears intervention, losing weight by going barefoot, and cat poop coffee.

Listen.

Sports Trivia Championship

If you're into sports trivia, you'll want to be at Scottrade Center on February 29th (Leap Day!) for the 5th Annual Sports Trivia Champinship fundraiser for St. Patrick Center. CEO Dan Buck was on my KMOX show today promoting it, and talking about the projects the center does to help thousands of homeless people in St. Louis every year.

The event is broadcast on FSN, emceed by Chris Rose, with lots of big sports names showing up to take part, and I'll be part of the festivities, too. You can reserve a table by calling 314-802-5445, or get details here.

Real ID

Today on KMOX, I talked with Mark Rotenberg of the Electronic Privacy Information Center about his opposition to the Real ID act, which mandates national driver's licenses you would use as general identification and need to board a plane or enter a federal building. Your papers, please?

Listen.

Merv's Grave Stone

If you go to Westwood Village Memorial Park in Los Angeles, you'll find this headstone at Merv Griffin's grave...

Tony LaRussa

Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa was on my KMOX show this afternoon to talk about the upcoming benefit for his Animal Rescue Foundation on January 20th at the Family Arena. The roster of performers includes Bruce Hornsby, Ricky Skaggs, Darius "Hootie" Rucker, Kathleen Madigan and more.

We also talked Cardinals baseball, from the departure of Jim Edmonds and David Eckstein to whether new pitcher Matt Clement will be in the starting rotation. We discussed Tony's odd relationship with Scott Rolen, how he responds to fans who say the Cardinals owners aren't putting up the money they promised would go into the team once the new ballpark opened, and whether he thinks Mark McGwire will ever make it to Cooperstown. I also asked him what's up with the Kevin Pollak movie version of Buzz Bissinger's book "Three Nights In August," and who Tony would like to play him.

Listen.

For tickets to LaRussa's Animal Rescue Foundation event at the Family Arena on Sunday January 20th, click here.

How Long Will You Live?

In the US, your average life expectancy is 78.2 years. What if you lived somewhere else? Check the World Life Expectancy map -- mouse over any country and see how much longer (or shorter) your life would be there. It gets pretty depressing in some African nations, and places like Afghanistan and the Czech Republic. [thanks to Michael Conner for the link]

Mayor Slay On Presidential Election

Today on KMOX, I talked with St. Louis Mayor Francis Slay, a Hillary Clinton supporter, about her victory in the New Hampshire primary and whether his endorsement of her (rather than Barack Obama) increases racial friction in St. Louis. We also talked about the voter photo ID case heard by the US Supreme Court today.

Listen.

Lawsuit Of The Day

It sounds like Austin Powers picked the number. Someone in Louisiana is suing the federal government for more than three quadrillion dollars over damage from Hurricane Katrina. To put that in perspective, there are 5 commas in the number ($3,014,170,389,176,410). You'll need more than two forms of ID to cash that check.

For some perspective, if you piled a quadrillion pennies on top of each other, they would reach Saturn. On the other hand, if you gave Mike Gravel a quadrillion dollars, he still couldn't be elected President.

Eleanor Clift

Newsweek's Eleanor Clift was on my KMOX show this afternoon to talk about the presidential race, and their cover story on Barack Obama (which she contributed to).

I explained my theory about Hillary Clinton's win in New Hampshire, which I haven't heard anywhere else, and it goes like this: Barack Obama won the Iowa caucuses because he pulled in so many independents, but in New Hampshire, where they can vote for anyone in either party, independents had another candidate to choose -- John McCain -- and they did. Thus, the Democrat primary was left to purely Democrat voters, who tend to favor Clinton at this point.

Clift and I discussed whether Clinton and Obama respect that the other's candidacy is historic, whether John McCain can really run as a candidate of "change," which has been the keyword for others in this election, how much longer Edwards and Romney can keep going without winning a contested primary, and more.

Listen.

Bride Cake

Chidi Ogbuta of Allen, Texas, always wanted to have a doll that looked like her. She never got one, so when she got married, she arranged to have the wedding cake made as a life-size version of herself, in full bride regalia.

I'm guessing that the groom calls her "sweetie," but wonder if he told the guests "eat my wife -- please!"

Ron Paul Newsletter Controversy

He's not going to be President, but Ron Paul has gotten an awful lot of attention -- and money -- with his candidacy. Do his supporters really know what Ron Paul stands for?

Many of them like his anti-war views, or are drawn to his remarks on civil liberties, personal responsiblity, and less government intrusion into our lives. Still, there's a lot that's not being said about him, until now. Read James Kirchick on The Bigoted Past Of Ron Paul.

Updates: Radley Balko's analysis of this matter is right on the money. He hopes that people won't believe this is how all libertarians think, but more importantly worries that Paul and his campaign staff aren't taking this seriously enough.

The New Republic has posted copies of some of the Paul newsletters.

Here's Kirchick talking about his article with Tucker Carlson on MSNBC yesterday...