Monday, November 30, 2009

High-Tech Nanny-Needers

Proving yet again that there's a subset of Americans who refuse to accept personal responsibility for their own lives, there's a new service that turns off your cell phone when you drive. As Sam Grobart reports in the NY Times, the service uses the phone's GPS sensors to determine whether you're at driving speeds, and then disables your cellphone until you stop the car.

The rest of us who are on the road are glad that you know you can't handle the phone-and-car combo, but the fact that you need a third-party to monitor your use of technology is shameful -- particularly when all you have to do is turn the phone off.

Other high-tech gadgets these Please-Nanny-Me's can choose from this holiday season:

FatStopper. An embedded chip-and-GPS system keeps tabs on your body weight, cholesterol, blood pressure, and location. If you attempt to eat at White Castle or The Cheesecake Factory, the chip releases a drug that immediately puts you to sleep, disallowing the infusion of food you shouldn't consume. Also works at the beach if you try to go swimming less than an hour after eating.

BadBreathalyzer. Worn over your own teeth, this device monitors the aromas created in your mouth and, when a pre-set level is exceeded, secretes a fresh minty taste into your palate and tongue to keep you from offending anyone after that onion bagel you had for breakfast.

AgendaBlinders. A service that monitors everything you watch and listen to, and automatically mutes the TV or radio if you might hear an opinion you disagree with. Can be set for specific media personalities (Glenn Beck, Ann Coulter, Adam Lambert).

ForwardReverser. Software that automatically deletes any e-mail you try to send that contains chain mail, bad jokes, urban legends, or anything else that has already been forwarded to you and everyone else online.

BeerGlassesShunt. Another embedded chip, this one monitors your alcohol intake and the time of day. If you've achieved a pre-determined BAC and it's after 2am (or whenever last call is in your municipality), the chip causes you to sweat profusely, thus guaranteeing you won't even consider hooking up with someone similarly drunk and desperate.

PrevenTweet. A plug-in for your Twitter account that prevents you from posting tweets that no one else cares about or should ever see, like "Going to the store to buy milk" or "Beginning my weekly belly button de-linting" or "I want to have Larry King's child."