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Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Even More Things They'll Never Say About Me

Ten more phrases no one will ever use to describe me:

  • He always referred to animals as "varmints."
  • He had an extensive collection of tuxedoes and wore them often.
  • He enjoyed "Parks" but was so-so on "Recreation."
  • His favorite sound was the noisy modem handshake of the dial-up AOL days.
  • His favorite vacation destination was the Mall Of America.
  • He loved to boogie oogie oogie till he just couldn't oogie any more.
  • He spent up to 10 hours every day doing Hot Yoga.
  • He longed to have John Travolta paw his face during an awards show.
  • His favorite snack was a bowl of lentils.
  • He was once horribly addicted to Sorbitol artificial sweetener.
From the earlier lists:
  • He loved cold weather and couldn't wait for winter.
  • He enjoyed his years as a featured dancer in "Riverdance."
  • He loved websites with video/audio that started as soon as a page loaded.
  • He was known in the industry as "The Eighth Wayans Brother."
  • He loved making jars of preserves and home-brewing beer for friends.
  • His handwriting got better as he got older.
  • He had just two sports passions: cricket and curling.
  • He longed for more of the brilliant comedy of Mr. Pauly Shore.
  • He preferred the taste of lentils above all other foods.
  • He was the world's foremost expert on monster trucks.
  • He referred to friends as "peeps."
  • He often spoke of the pompatus of love.
  • He wished more foods included cilantro in their ingredients.
  • He regularly turned heads with his impeccable fashion choices.
  • He regretted not listening to more bagpipe music.
  • He was this close to being inducted into the roller derby hall of fame.
  • He enjoyed spending his free time on plumbing and auto repairs.
  • He was jealous of Boxcar Willie being named America's Favorite Hobo.
  • He would have been a masterful interior designer.
  • He lived to surf.
  • He enjoyed being surrounded by large crowds of drunken people.
  • He loved every second of every "Sharknado" movie.
  • He was one of the world's greatest soccer enthusiasts.
  • He was an early adopter of many Microsoft hardware products, particularly The Zune.
  • He never missed a moment of the Monday 8am physics lab in his freshman year of college.
  • He couldn't get enough of debates about how to achieve peace in the Middle East.
  • He enjoyed working on actuarial tables in his free time.
  • He once got stuck on a roller coaster that stopped in the middle of a ride.
  • He yearned to spend more time in the deep south.
  • He once considered a career as a clergyman.