Listen to me on KTRS/St. Louis every Friday, 3-6pm CT

Wednesday, April 06, 2016

Will Durst On Trump

The latest from my friend Will Durst...

Go ahead, exhale a deep sigh of relief because our long national nightmare could very well be over. Yes, dear friends, Donald Trump might have bitten off more than he can chew and we may be mere moments away from combing him out of our hair for good. Then throw away the comb. 

And indeed, we’ve heard this refrain a couple of hundred times already, but finally the aerodynamically-coiffed real estate developer may actually have gone too far. Even for him. Which apparently is… light years far. A galaxy far far away far. Go to eternity and take a left, far. 

Up to now, Trump has doubled down on his outrageous statement no matter who he insulted: Mexicans, women, Congressional Medal of Honor winners, people who prefer vinegar-based coleslaw, and it always worked out. He even got in a fight with the Pope. This Pope; the good Pope. Not the former Nazi Pope. 

In January Trump even bragged he “could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot someone and I wouldn’t lose voters.” But the conceit of that remark involved the shooting of other people, and he’s since spent the time shooting himself. In the foot. And the mouth. With his small hands. 

These missteps could be described as jumping the shark. Over-sprayed his tan. The follicle that broke the camel’s back. Forced to wear the wrong hat. Inadvertently fired his daughter. Whatever is a bad thing for him, he did it. Repeatedly. 

In response to a Chris Mathews question about abortion at a Wisconsin Town Hall, Trump said that women who had the procedure should be punished. And immediately both the Pro-Choice and Anti-Choice movements landed on him faster than greased beach balls filled with sand slide down a ski jump. See, he does bring people together. He is a uniter, not a divider or a multiplier. 

It is uncanny how consistently Mister Trump manages to annoy women. Someone on his staff needs to remind him they can vote too now. And that person should probably be somebody other than campaign manager Corey Lewandowski. 

Trump’s approval rating amongst America’s y-chromosome challenged citizenry is right below hot coals on your genitals and slightly above knitting needles in your ears. Suddenly, he reminds every woman in America of her first husband. Who was biologically incapable of apologizing. 

His competition for the GOP nomination also attacked his make-it-up as he goes along, public-policy theories, but they’re treading a fine line here, because Republicans have been responsible for consistently carving away the edges of women’s health care. And prosecution is a logical extension of their legislation creep. Until they reach their ultimate goal of a 9 month waiting period. 

Wail all they want, Trump isn’t damaging the GOP as much as he’s lifting the rocks they’ve been hiding under. Everything he says is a megaphone version of the whisper they’ve spent decades perfecting. He’s taken the dog out of dog whistle. 

The question is: will this major gaffe precipitate the meltdown we’ve all been waiting for, or is The Donald truly a political cockroach able to survive anything, including a nuclear war on women? It would certainly explain the hard protective shell on the top of his head masquerading as hair. Very Kafkaesque.

Copyright © 2016, Will Durst. Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comedian and former part owner of the Crummies sandwich shop. For sample videos and a calendar of personal appearances including his new one- man show, Elect to Laugh: 2016, appearing every Tuesday at the San Francisco Marsh, go to willdurst.com