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Monday, January 16, 2017

Watered Down Football


If you want to know when the downfall of America began, you might want to timestamp the date a few years ago when NFL players stopped holding their own water bottles while taking a few sips on the sidelines.

Every team in the league -- and probably in college football, too, although I pay no attention to it -- has employees whose job it is to squirt water through the players' face masks when they come off the team. In some instances (like the photo above), the players have lifted up their helmets yet still need a designated water squirter.

Have you ever had someone squirt water into your mouth? It's not nearly as satisfying as controlling the flow by squeezing the bottle yourself -- but more importantly, are these heavily-muscled professional athletes incapable of lifting their own water bottles? Does the league have some sort of equipment manager internship program that these water boys must participate in before they advance to cleat organizer or jersey washer? Does their training regimen consist of watching that awful Adam Sandler movie?

During the Green Bay/Dallas game last night, I spotted one of the water boys wearing an earpiece, as if he's a Secret Service agent. Is there really a separate radio frequency for that job? What kind of communication must he be privy to? Perhaps there's someone up in the coaches' booth shouting in his ear, "Jenkins, get over to the linebackers and get them hydrated!!"