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Monday, July 31, 2017

Fifth Avenue Requiem

From Will Durst (reprinted with permission)...

Anybody remember when Donald Trump boasted, “I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot someone and wouldn't lose voters”? Now that we’ve seen him operate for six months, we have a pretty good idea how that would go down.

  • First he’d shoot someone in the middle of 5th Avenue.
  • Then he’d maintain that no one in the middle of 5th Avenue was shot.
  • Witnesses that identified him as the person who shot someone in the middle of 5th Avenue would be disregarded because they voted Democratic in 1984.
  • Then he’d claim he had teams of investigators working on who shot someone in the middle of 5th Avenue.
  • Then he’d deny that 5th Avenue exists.
  • Then he’d insist that the person who shot someone in the middle of 5th Avenue was hired by Hillary Clinton herself, and he would have won the popular vote if millions of illegal votes hadn’t been cast.
  • Then Sarah Huckabee Sanders would say that when Donald Trump said he would shoot someone in the middle of 5th Avenue he was only kidding.
  • Then he’d say he’d publicly announce whether he had shot someone in the middle of 5th Avenue in a very short period of time.
  • Then he would point out a squirrel with a fluffy tail running across the middle of 5th Avenue.
  • Then the videotape of him shooting someone in the middle of 5th Avenue would be discredited as fake news.
  • Then Sean Hannity would say that people get shot in the middle of 5th Avenue all the time.
  • Then he’d reveal that many people told him he was tremendously innocent and this was all an obvious plot by the media to keep him from Making America Great Again.
  • Then Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III would say that even if Donald Trump did shoot someone in the middle of 5th Avenue, it wasn’t that big of a deal, but he still had to recuse himself.
  • Then he’d say there was something very suspicious about the person who was shot in the middle of 5th Avenue and ask why no one was investigating that.
  • Then Kellyanne Conway would say that that the person shot in the middle of 5th Avenue deserved to be shot.
  • Then Mike Pence would say he had no knowledge of anything.
  • Then he’d say it doesn’t matter if he shot someone in the middle of 5th Avenue because that person was already dead.
  • Then Fox News would run a piece detailing the great number of Democrats that had shot people in the middle of 5th Avenue.
  • Then he would say he had shot someone in the middle of 5th Avenue but only figuratively.
  • Then he’d say that many people had told him they had shot a lot of people in the middle of 5th Avenue.
  • Then he would say that Hillary Clinton was responsible for many more murders than he was.
  • Then he’d say he was just counter-shooting.
  • Then he’d pardon the person who shot someone in the middle of 5th Avenue, no matter who it was.
  • Then shooting people in the middle of 5th Avenue would become a very popular excursion option for guests staying at Trump Tower, receiving 4 1/2 stars on Trip Advisor.
Copyright © 2017, Will Durst. Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comic and former prop master for Dick Shawn. For a calendar of personal appearances, please visit willdurst.com.